Category Archives: Humor

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Beware the Fine Print

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Eutromin has a low occurrence of side effects including dry mouth, metallic taste, and ringing in the ears. A small number of patients experienced the following common side effects:

Watery eyes, loose stools, diarrhea, abdominal cramps, headaches, nausea, vomiting, nose bleeds, indigestion, esophageal spasms, constipation, inability to urinate, loss of sensation in the extremities, severe sexual side effects, loss of some motor control, impaired speech, drooling, demonic possession, hair loss, tooth loss, unattractive body hair, acne on soles of feet, frequent urination, frequent uncontrollable sneezing, sudden loss of bladder control, seizures, tingling sensation in eyelids, scales on back of neck, loud flatulence, irreversible brain damage, double vision, rectal inflammation, strong body odor, more vomiting, momentary loss of sight, complete deafness, depression, mania, obsessive compulsive behavior, insomnia, sleep apnea, tremors, high anxiety, kleptomania, loss of eternal soul, inability to grasp elementary physics, multiple personality disorder, delusions of grandeur, violent fits of rage, and drowsiness.
Male users also notice the following effects:

Rectal bleeding, Rectal seepage, Rectal spasms, Rectal cramps, Rectal blisters, Rectal sores, Rectal hemorrhaging, minor Rectal leprosy, and overall sever Rectal discomfort.

Users over the age of twelve also notice the following effects:

Mongoloidism, Loss of Salvation, and boils.

Warning: Not to be taken with food or water. Avoid sunlight and high contents of air for 48 hours after intake. See your doctor immediately if you notice any bodily noises, such as ear drainage, sinus cavity collapse, lung collapse, progressive gain green on or near the face, rapid cavity development (usually with in the first 3 hours) or knee cap failure.

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Little Known Truths

One would think it would be genetic or at least something we picked up in the playgrounds or in elementary bathroom talk but apparently there needs to be constant reminders telling our generation how to do things. These are not racial things, these are not generational things, these are not how things should be done in the South, these are not Americanisms, these are worldwide, since-the-beginning-of-time, truths that need to be identified by all mankind.

1) Real Men Don’t Line Dance
2) Cars & trucks not one of the colors found on a mallard duck are for girls
3) Everyone over the age of 12 should shoot a gun (at least once)
4) Soap operas should only be aired during the day
5) The 3-piece suit is for dead people and fancy car salesmen
6) Never set combination locks to 1-2-3-4
7) You’re not obligated to attend 2, 3, or 4th weddings (or buy gifts)
8) If your best friend calls after midnight, you have to answer
9) Other than that, you don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings
10) If you can’t identify the dumbest guy in the room, its you
11) There are 2 acceptable places for glasses on your body
12) Unless blind, sunglasses are for outdoor use only
13) Medical scrubs are for Halloween and hospitals
14) If you ever start a sentence with “I shouldn’t be saying this” then stop talking
15) Never sit on the front or last row of church
16) There are only two things open after 1am. Neither are good for your teenagers
17) Baseball hats should only have 2-4 words printed on them
18) Don’t name your kid after an exotic dancer or a season
(Autumn, Candy, Spring, Fantasia)
19) Cowbells & spray paint only are good for their original purpose
20) God has a sense of humor (see Aardvarks, Oklahoma, Dennis Rodman, TV evangelists)
21) Every pickup line has been heard by the person your telling it to
22) $1,000 rims and tires on a Hyundai, still makes your car a Hyundai
23) Most “good ole boys” aren’t really good old boys
24) There are only two good things that ever came out of Arizona and one was just driving through
25) Beware of commercials ended by an auctioneer

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Real Men Don’t Line Dance

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You can bet I about fell off my stool the first time I saw a guy out on the dance floor during “Acky Breaky Heart.” At first I assumed it was an employee cleaning up some wet saw dust or maybe one of the ladies had slipped and a nice cowboy was offering his hand. But “no,” it was not that easy to brush off. It was a guy, twisting, turning, kicking, and strutting on the same floor as women.

Line dancing, men, don't do it
Real men don’t line dance!

I wasn’t in Texas anymore. I was in LA. Were they filming a movie? I didn’t see any cameras, but I did see some out-of-work actors. Surely, even in this liberal, blue-state, guys did not think it was OK to dance during girl songs? But then low and behold, the song changed, girls left the dance floor, and more guys showed up for an .. uh-um.. “Guy’s Only Dance.” I briefly walked out the front door and looked up at the sign. It said “Cowboy Bar.” I did not know what to do. Should I watch the train wreck or use the time to talk to the girls while the competition was twisting and spinning under the mirrored ball? Unfortunately, I watched.

I’ll let the sleeveless shirts go without much comment. My cousins sometimes wear those. Normally it is to reach an awkward positioned alternator but I guess night club attire is acceptable. I’ll even let the choreographed moves fly under the radar. But I can not go to my grave and not mention the one-arm push ups and winks towards the crowd. Had they no shame?

I guess us Texans are responsible. We started a fad but did not spell out the rules and fully explain the origin of the movement before we let the other 49 start on it. Well better late than never. Here is how the story goes…

One evening at “L.D.s Tavern and Transmission Shop” some of the locals ran into a problem. With the new neon lights L.D. invested in, the normal florescent lights had to be turned off. No sense spending money on “King of Beers,” “Michelob,” and a colored palm tree, if no one could enjoy their beauty. This made the place lit only by the red-glass candles on the booths, the under bar light, the 4 or 5 neon signs, and the glows of cigarettes. Not a problem if you like to drink in the dark. But a huge problem if you are there to dance or meet people. How do know if the girl you are conversing with looks like Hillary Swank or Hillary Clinton? One must have some sort of light source to see if the deep voice is exotic or coming from behind a mustache.

After some debating and a few minor fist-a-cuffs, a decision was made by management. The dance floor was to be utilized to identify the keepers from the throw-backs. It took almost 3 weeks of preparations to get the details down and the grand prize ready. At the end of Saturday night (about 1 hour from last call), all women were invited to the dance floor where hundreds of balloons were floating along the floor. A few of them had been stuffed with discounts for hair perms, a few with movie tickets, and a grand prize weekend trip to the Hallsville Raceway. The stage was set, literally. The lights were turned up so the women could see, the music was turned up, and the guys took notice. The next 15 minutes was dance floor history. There was stomping, kicking, swinging, and even some sliding. In an effort to get a good look at the female patrons, both the women and men had a great time. A tradition was born. Each week around midnight (eleven in dry counties), the music changed, the dance floor lights were turned up, and the men surrounded the center of the bar to watch the women dance and break balloons. Good clean fun was had by all.

After a few months there became less and less balloons, but by then no one cared. The women enjoyed dancing, the men enjoyed watching, and Line Dancing became an LD bar room standard. It wasn’t long until area saloons picked up the tradition and before a few years most all of Texas dance halls wrapped up their weekend nights with a women’s only dance.

Here we are 25 years down the road and I just got back from a trip to Nashville. These are the guys that helped us in the Alamo. The current caretakers of our Houston Oilers. True dear friends of Texas. But I am sad to report… Male Line Dancers live here too. Right out in the open. The bouncers at the door did nothing. The DJ kept the music playing. The bartenders kept pouring drinks. Everyone acted like nothing was wrong. It was like a pink shirt was being worn at a NASCAR event. Like Richard Simmons entering a tough man competition. Like a house-cleaning product commercial airing during a hunting show. It just wasn’t right. I guess we can only claim Colorado and Alaska as good neighbors now. Certainly one can’t line dance to John Denver songs.

Coming soon. Why we put the “mechanical bull” in bars. It’s not what you may think.

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Texas Sayings & Colloquialisms

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Never ask a man if he’s from Texas.
If he is, he’ll tell you on his own.
If he ain’t, no need to embarrass him”

Here are some of my favorites:
There are a lot of nooses in his family tree
A drought usually ends with a flood.
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.
You can’t get lard unless you boil the hog.
Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line.
Don’t get all ate up about it.
Skin your own buffalo.
All hat and no cattle
Short arms and deep pockets
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash
He’s like a blister–he doesn’t show up till the work’s all done
He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel
They planted their crop before they built their fence.
This ain’t my first rodeo
He thinks the sun rises jest to hear him crow
He’ll break his arm to pat his self on the back
He shot more deer in that bar
We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet
Just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make em biscuits
Don’t worry ’bout the mule son, just load the wagon
Don’t call him a cowboy, till you’ve seen him ride
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep
Always drink upstream from the herd
Never miss a good chance to shut up
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth
He could tear up a railroad track with a rubber hammer
Like trying to scratch his ear with his elbow
Happy as a gopher in soft dirt
Don’t piss on my foot and call it rain
Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow
Don’t name a pig you plan to eat
Plow around the stump
Its easier to get the cat out of the bag, then back in it

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