Single at 54

Divorce is not a good thing. I do not believe in it. Yet here I am.

I do not think that a marriage should just dissolve because two people “grew apart” or because it is “best for the kids.” My theology causes me to believe, short of an affair or various forms of abuse, marriage should be a life-long commitment to one another till “death do you part.” I am sure others will disagree but I hold a high view of the commitments made.

This lens I have on marriage forms my approach to how I look for a potential bride to share the rest of my life with.

I never planned, desired, sought-out or fantasized about being single. I actually fought hard to save my marriage through a few-year crisis. 

But, here I am 54 on the backside of my life… alone and full of options, questions, and opportunities. It is a scary place, it is an exciting place… trying to find “NEXT” and trying to find “MYSELF.”

Meeting women has been extremely challenging (and rewarding) and finding the time to invest into any relationship has been a growth-point for me as I am learning how to balance life-responsibilities-needs-wants.

I have free time like never before and I am excited to find the right person to spend this time with and explore if we may be a match for “forever.” 

This time of being suddenly single at the same time as the empty-nest phase has caused a LOT of self reflection, soul searching, and seeking advice from those I trust.

I believe strongly in the saying “Thoughts disentangle themselves over the lips and through the fingertips.” So, below are a few of my thoughts:

Who am I?

Raised in East Texas, I developed a Texas twang and a value for God, family, work, and community.  

I am a Christian. A firm believer in God’s Word and a relationship with Him that affects my daily life and choices. I am currently pulling up roots in my local church as I begin the transition to my next church home and due to the pain of attending a church that my ex-wife and I help start. The pain, shame, and awkwardness is real and hard to explain (in this setting).

I am a Non-Profit Consultant who works from home 85% of the time with travel to various states to serve clients. I spend much of my day at my stand-up desk on video calls, making videos, or working on emails and documents.

I am blessed to meet amazing people who do great things. I love my job and consider it a true blessing from God.

My dad passed in the middle of my marriage crisis and my mother entered memory care with dementia. and passed in 2021. My sister and I remain extremely close and prioritize family vacations and holidays.

One of my post-divorce purchases revealed a new hobby….. The Lake Life. I always knew I preferred beaches, sand, sun, snorkeling, and hammocks… but a purchased Pontoon Boat showed me how much I liked water. Driving around the shoreline, anchoring in a cove, fishing, swimming, floating… these things make me happy and make me feel at home. I sold my boat on Lake Texoma but I joined a boat club on lake Lewisville… and it is keeping my Lake Vibe alive.

My 2 years of crisis was HARD on me in every way. I lacked energy to focus on my health. I am still recovering from the stress on my body… but I am getting back to a healthy lifestyle. This just doesn’t happen overnight. New hobbies include pickleball and swimming… Trying to get into weights but it bores me to no end. And I love a great long walk or hike.

I have lived in a small Texas town for over 20 years. I do not regret a second of where I have raised my kids, found community, and put roots down… But, I am ready for “more.” I crave single friends, action, options, entertainment, culture, exploring. I am seriously considering a condo in the heart of a city or a beach town… with access to a major airport and a great lake or ocean nearby. I prefer Dallas Metroplex due to it’s central location and familiarity but the weather and lack of cool features like mountains, rivers, beaches, trails, and outside culture really scores it LOW on quality of life for me.

What do I seek?

I suppose we all have preferences on looks. I have mine but they are just natural attractions not standards. I am open to tall, short, blond, brunette, dark, light… but I do know what dating in the last year has revealed for me:

My “things”

A Christian, not “check mark” only, but one that seeks Him. 

A great communicator. Can turn thoughts, ideas, and emotions into words. Isn’t afraid to walk in the deep end of complicated and messy conversations that build true intimacy.

A solid listener and observer.

A smile that comes from the inside… through the eyes and the mouth. 

Passionate… someone who has committed their time and/or career to something that drives them.

Confident without conceited. Knows who she is and where her lines are.

No young kids. I value empty-nest and it is intoxicating.

Healthy. I don’t need or expect perfection but I want someone who eats well and exercises knowing that their health matters to them and the ones that love them.

Drama free. Even keeled. Slow to anger. 

A life of Grace

My preferences widen the net a little. 

Likes to explore. Learn new things, try new things.

Kind and sensitive to me and others.

Feels comfortable in a dress or sweats.

Can look drop dead gorgeous or walk out in a hat (and knows when to do which)

Works well with my love languages of physical touch and quality time

Loves to travel and see the world

Can stay in a 4 star or 2 star hotel when needed.

Shares my conservative views.

Shares my liberal views.

Cares about people over politics.

Familiar enough with theology and the Bible to discuss weighty things

While I’m asking:

A good speller. I’m horrible and I need a walking dictionary by me at all times.

Likes to watch and discuss movies.

Likes to be outdoors and hike occasionally

Speaks another language… so traveling will be easier (Greedy I know) :) 

A Timeline

I like the advice I have been given… Give everything 4 seasons. See how things go over a holiday, through a long hot Summer, in the dead of Winter. 

I can’t imagine “really knowing someone” without experiencing life with them for awhile. Dating and talking across a table only reveals what you want to reveal. Being tired and the stress of not catching the next flight… reveals more. The conversation in the car after a tense moment with your drunk uncle at Christmas is a great time to hear how your brain and emotions work. Being denied that promotion, a flat tire while late to a meeting, having your friend hurt your feelings… are all opportunities to observe … and better yet, help and encourage one another.

My next wife is my Bride for Life. I do not enter this search lightly. 

Many mid-life singles settle. The first person that fills their “holes”… gets their attention and affection. The avoidance of loneliness is not a barometer for someone’s next relationship.  Flattery, companionship, shared hobbies… these do not make a relationship that stands the test of time. 

I also read somewhere that many people look for compatibility to see who to love. The article suggested love brings compatibility. I think I see the wisdom of not overvaluing “if we both like the same TV shows and movies”… Or if “our taste buds are the same.” When the commitment of LOVE kicks in… many of these things become irrelevant. You are happy to compromise.

Here is the quote: “The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”

I 100% committed to raising my youngest son until he graduated. He was my first priority. But, I did not wait until he graduated in 2022 to begin learning more about me, my hobbies, and desires. I began to date and seek the person who I can spend the next 20-30 years with.

I have flip flopped multiple times on “how to date.” Date for purpose only? Date for experience?

I have begun to date JUST to date. Experience things and moments. To meet people and to laugh and learn about different personalities.

Dating apps suck but since I don’t work, live, or have the lifestyle that puts me near the opposite sex… I swipe right. 

There is SOOOO much wasted time vetting the other person… I thought if someone takes the time to read this…. It might save them some time deciding if I am even the type of person they want to pursue. 

Plus I just need to write out some thoughts. Its a good habit.